Game on!

Game on!

TSN reports that the NHLPA has ratified the new Collective Bargaining Agreement. It's official: three months from now, I'll be helping to make the RBC Center the loudest arena in the NHL. Go Canes!

Tear Down the Wall

Tear Down the Wall

With a slightly quavering voice, a giddy Roger Waters sang for the world on the Live 8 stage. Behind him, a winged pig soared through the sky on a massive video screen. Pink Floyd took the Hyde Park stage with their formerly estranged bandmate in the most significant performance in recent rock history. The brief set at Live 8 was billed as a one-time event, a discarding of enmity to heighten awareness of the poverty and suffering of the peoples of Africa. It would be foolish to think that a few old men on a stage could be more important than the African tribulation, but for twenty minutes on the second day of July, Africa was the farthest thing from many minds.

A's, B's and many C's of Reality TV

A's, B's, and many C's of Reality TV

Lately I've been under the weather. That is, the weather is kicking my ass, and I've felt no small discomfort from an ongoing series of dental problems. With the heat and humidity making it unbearable to do much of anything, and my prescription pain-killers preventing me from doing anything that involves anything resembling coherent thought, I thought it was time to get a taste of something I've missed out on in the past few years: Reality Television. Thanks to Blockbuster's online DVD rental service and a certain notorious P2P filesharing program, I've plunged wholesale into the manufactured reality of Survivor, The Amazing Race, Hell's Kitchen, Survivor UK, Big Brother and a few of their poorer cousins; The Real Gilligan's Island, Love Cruise and more.

What I've discovered is intriguing. This programming is gripping, and yet gratuitously pointless. The concept is simple: don't hire actors, just select unpaid applicants willing to take part in the "experience." Leveraging inexpensive equipment and the simplest production values, document every detail of the lives of the participants before, during and following the scripted events. Edit together the juiciest, meatiest tidbits for prime time audiences, throw in a million dollars to the person that makes it to the end, and you've got yourself a program. The winner isn't the "sole Survivor," the winner of the race or the viewers-- this is all about the bottom line for the broadcasters, and this is how they do it.


Animosity - In tense situations, even the finest of friends will find themselves in a fight. Put perfect strangers into similar circumstances and the events will make for exciting, if not quality, television.

Alternative lifestyles - Tell me, have you seen a reality show without a token gay guy, or whiny vegetarian?

Bloodthirst - Using camera-born innuendo and sly editing tricks, put the audience in a front row seat as the contestants butcher fowl, hogs, caiman and take their frustrations out on coconuts. Don't worry about looking away at the last minute, though, in this flavor of reality, the program handles that detail for you.

Bitchiness - What do you get when you combine our two A's? Another A: all-out-bitchfests. A meeting of the mouths to last precisely one half of a viewing season, contestants will not fail to find reasons to hate each other. There are times when certain groups of people truly seem to love each other, like Survivor: Marquesas after Boston Rob got the boot, but even then, the happiest of housemates will always break down as their reality comes crashing toward an end.

Cameras - Cameras are one of the biggest expenses for reality programs. Some call for remote controlled rotating, auto-focusing monstrosities in every conceivable location, while others load up on evening-news style battery powered units. The goal is always the same though: as many eyes as possible.
Challenges - Give the participants an activity to stir emotions, test their limits and drive their competition into the ground.

Chickens - Like the token homosexual, you simply can't have reality TV without some chickens. Whether they're dinner or the non-feathered variety that refuse to bungee jump and swallow wriggling worms, chicken is a staple here.

Chicks - The ladies rule in reality television. My friend Tarus is an avid Survivor fan, and has pointed out to me that each series has had one female whose sole purpose seems to be carriage for a massive rack. Not that I'm complaining; you wouldn't find me watching an all-male reality program.

Cheese - Less than skillful flirtation, grade school poetry, letters from home and unreal situations... there is nearly as much cheese as chicken to be found, which one would think might improve relations on the set of Hell's Kitchen.

Chemistry - Ahh, romance. If participants do manage to get along, the producers hope they'll get it on. Television romance is more fleeting than the career of a professional athlete, but that doesn't stop contestants from trying to find the love of their life on the boob tube.

Conflict - And sometimes things get physical. Reality television isn't supposed to be a contact sport, and the production companies will be sure to step in and settle a squabble that gets physical-- but not before they get some great footage.

Controversy - The most important C of all. All of the aforementioned elements of reality television lead to this, which fuels the buzz and pumps up the ratings. The most recent season of Charlie Parsons's brainchild stranded its Survivors in the Philippines in their street clothes. What's next, intentionally crashing a plane full of players into a mountainside to see who is cannibalized first? It's probably not too far off, but the host should hire a bodyguard; they'd probably be the first in the cookpot.

Soon

Soon

I'm getting back on my feet after some medical stuff. I'll spare you the details... for now.