I need a new body

Ten years ago my favorite television program returned after a long hiatus for one night only. The Doctor Who movie wasn't anything spectacular, and most fans choose to forget it. That's much easier to do now that we've seen more than two dozen episodes of the spectacular new series, but one bit of the 1996 movie still sticks with me. The Master, played by Eric Roberts (yes, that Eric Robers), was dying. His borrowed body crumbling around him, he insisted, "I. Need. A new. Body!"

That's me. Not that I'm particularly villainous, nor am I stumbling around in a stolen body, but I sure could use a new one. I probably wouldn't feel so bad about it if I didn't need a tailor. Or surgery.

The Misshapen Donnie

I bought a suit two weeks ago. It's a nice-looking single breasted black suit with a charcoal pinstripe. I like it, and it's a good thing that I do. It's the only one I could find that fit me! Finding shoes was harder. The only dressy shoes I own are brown and have seen better days, so they aren't the best match for my sharp new suit. I wear a 15EEEE which are few and far between. We struck out at all of the local shoe and department stores, so I'm resorting to mail order. My new black captoe oxfords-- not my first, second or third choice!-- will arrive on Tuesday. That's just four days before the occasion at which I'm wearing them, so they'd better fit.

At least I did manage to find a suit and shoes somewhere. Shirts are a different story. I have a 21" neck, 54" chest, 47" waist and 27" sleeves. Shirts are only manufactured in 20" and 22" neck sizes, which translate to a 5X and 6X respectively. That means that in order for a shirt to fit me in the neck, it's three or four sizes too big in the chest. Also, most designers expect men in larger sizes to be a sort of O-shape. I'm more of a V-shape, which means the bottom of the shirt bells out for the expected 72" waist. I think that bears repeating: my shirts have a seventy-two inch waist. Holy shit. I'm a big guy, but I shouldn't have to wear a tent! I picked up a couple of 22" neck shirts in hopes that the alterations place doing the hem and cuff on my suit pants will be able to take in the shirts a bit. It looks like they'll be able to take in six inches on each side, which should make them look better on me. I hope.

I think I need to build a good relationship with a tailor. How does one do that? Does anyone in the 21st century use a tailor anymore? Anyone besides P.Diddy or whatever he calls himself this week? The word tailor sounds expensive. I've got other things to spend money on, for now...

The warranty is out

I get as many sinus infections, ear infections and bouts with bronchitis in a year as most people get in a lifetime. Every year my allergies get worse. Antibiotics, antihistimines, histimine blockers and other remedies help, but my doctor and I decided that it was time to investigate the root of the problem. I had an appointment with the renowned Dr. Pillsbury at the UNC Hospital ENT clinic. He is the head surgeon and the same guy that did my one and only previous surgery, a tonsillectomy ten years ago. I think he was pretty pleased that I recognized him. We weren't able to do any allergy testing since no one bothered to tell me that you can't take allergy meds for a week prior to testing. Dr. Pillsbury was good enough to ask me about my medical history, look up my nose and explain that I have a badly deviated septum and enlarged turbinates. He mentioned a CT sinus scan for a future visit, asked me to reschedule the allergy test, shook my hand and told me he'd see me soon. He was done in five minutes. I'm going back on August 3rd. I hope that visit is more in-depth. The allergy test scares me a bit, but not because I'm worried about a few pricks. If that was the case, I wouldn't go to the doctor's office in the first place. Or out in public, for that matter.

If I need to get a septoplasty to fix my nose up so I'm no longer a dirty mouth-breather, I can look forward to a few hundred dollars of fees that aren't covered by insurance. A few hundred more if I need to get an inferior turbinate reduction. And a few hundred more if I need to get some rhinoplasty thrown in to patch up years of wear and tear from wearing heavy eyeglasses. There is a problem with all this, though. Septoplasty patients can't wear eyeglasses for six weeks following surgery. I can't see without glasses. I don't know if I can wear contacts due to some scarring on my eye from a childhood accident. I might have to get lasik surgery before I can get surgery. If that's the case, that rings up my out of pocket costs to the $3500 range. I think I need to start selling stuff from around the house or get another job. Maybe I shouldn't have bought that suit. I've got to look halfway decent for my class reunion, though. More on that next week, I've rambled too much tonight.